Ok..so here goes....CONTINUATION OF "NOVEMBER RAINS"
Yes I still think about her. I still think about her smile, her big green eyes, long blonde hair that smelled like the rain. Her skin, so soft. Her lips. How I longed for those lips. To kiss them. I melted every time we kissed. Just to feel her body curled up against mine. How that has never left my mind. So yes, I still think about her. I sound like a sick love puppy over a girl. But this was just no girl. She was my best friend. She knew me like no other person. She was always smiling. She was never one to play games with me. Never fucked around the truth. Always honest. Her passion was taking pictures. She was always eager to take pictures of her surroundings. We would go along the beach and she would start snapping her camera like there was never gonna be another wave crashing or a seagull flying by. I'd be playing my guitar and she would be taking pictures of me. That camera was her window.
I miss those innocent days. Our innocent touchings. Innocent kisses.. Those days out by the Gumbo, Limbo Tree are gone. The day I was sent away for the Air Force was the last day I ever saw her.. The last innocent day.
My Father was a big time General. He refused to let me live my life outside the Air Force. I knew I had no other option but to do what he wanted for me. It really felt like the end of my life. All I ever wanted to do was hand craft guitars and become a musician.. I loved the feel of my fingers on the strings of my guitar. I loved how the music came and I could get lost in the sounds. My dad couldn't understand my dreams. He couldn't understand my love for music. It “wasn't reality”, he would say to me. I was pretty much the dark horse in the family. All my brothers were in the service so he expected the same out of me. Did I hate my dad for pushing me into this? For making me leave my girl? For not supporting my dreams? Yes. I guess at that time I thought I hated him. I was pissed for many years. Resentment towards him was tough to get over.
During the many months of boot camp and training I got many letters from Marty. I tried so hard to get her out of my mind. I thought by not writing her back it would make things easier on me..Easier on her. She needed to let me go. It was torture. The letters kept coming. I could feel her weeping as I read her words. I had broken her world. I had broken her spirit. What an asshole I was. Over time the letters stopped coming. I was devastated. But I fucked things up on my own. I finally had to move on. I had to try to erase her from my mind. The picture she gave me, the one of us together, I had to tuck that away and move on.. Man, who the fuck was I kidding? I still thought of her... I still dreamed of her. I still loved her. I DO still Love her. I do still dream of her. I do still think of her.
The Air Force was actually a good thing for me. At the time I was just a pissed off SOB because of my Dad. But as time went on I learned I needed that structure to get me through my young adult life. I needed to get kicked in the ass to make a man out of me. And believe me, being 18 with an attitude, I needed some butt kicking. Four years into the air force I was taken into deep action. After 911 happened I was sent over seas. I was there for about a year. There were too may close calls with being shot or exploded to death. I saw many of my buddies killed. Those were the darkest days of my life. But I don't think I would ever change my experience. I'm a better man because of it. I don't take my life or others for granted anymore. I still wear my dog tags just so I can remember who I was and who was left behind.
I left the Air Force after 10yrs. I felt I had put myself out there as long as I could. Unlike me, my brothers are still in the service. They are all married with kids, living in different parts of the country. I
decided to stay in San Diego where I was stationed. I love the City. I love the ocean and the weather. It's a perfect place for who I am today. I was able to save money and finally start my life by opening a hand crafted guitar shop. Finally living my dream. It's a surreal feeling because I've wanted this for so long. My dad made his peace with me. He accepted my decision. I was a grown man and worked hard for our country. He was proud. For him to be proud of me is something I can't describe. That's all I have ever wanted from him. No matter if it was music, or being in the Air Force. It meant everything. He passed away the year I left. Died of a heart attack. Just knowing he was proud of me before he died was a gift. I wish we had more time together. I wish he had seen how my life turned out. I would like to think he would have been happy with my new life.. Proud of my life. The resentment I had towards him faded after I opened my shop. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be where I am today. But because of him I never found out what it would have been like if I had stayed with Marty..
Life takes you in so many directions. I've had my fair share of many beautiful women. There were a couple I thought I could settle down with but timing was never right. Or maybe because they weren't Marty. I have always been wishing that I could find that one special woman that was just like her. Hasn't happened yet. I tried looking her up on Facebook but found out through some friends that she had gotten married and was living in Europe. I was disappointed to learn this information. I gave up and continued to live my life without her. Five years later and having a successful business you would think I had everything I had ever wanted. Good money, women, sex, a nice beach house, being a bachelor. You'd think that I was living every mans fantasy. But fantasies are just that: Fantasies. Don't get me wrong I love my life. Hell, I paid a lot for it and wouldn't trade it for anything. But there is this hole that is empty. Who knows when I will ever feel complete?